MENTAL HEALTH

Days 7 - 9

The Importance of Self-Compassion

A Gentle Approach to Wellbeing

The exercises that follow in the course might feel challenging at times and require some commitment. However, by dedicating just 15 to 20 minutes each day to them, you'll gradually experience positive changes in your mental wellbeing. It's crucial to treat yourself with kindness and give yourself permission to go at your own pace. Embracing self-compassion is key as you start this journey towards personal growth and wellness.

Learning to Be Kind to Yourself

Self-compassion or self-love may be a foreign concept for some people. This is especially true for those who were raised in abusive or unloving homes, where compassion may have been non-existent. As a construct drawn from Buddhist psychology, self-compassion refers to a way of relating to the self with kindness. It is not to be confused with arrogance or conceit, which usually indicates a lack of self-love.

An explosion of research into self-compassion over the last decade has shown its benefits for well-being. Individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression. They also have greater reserves of resilience and the ability needed to cope with stressful life events such as divorce, health crises, and academic failure, and even combat trauma.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Psychologist Kristin Neff was the first person to measure and operationally define the term “self-compassion.” She describes self-compassion as kindness toward the self, which entails being gentle, supportive, and understanding: “Rather than harshly judging oneself for personal shortcomings, the self is offered warmth and unconditional acceptance.” In other words, being kind to ourselves in good times and bad, in sickness and in health—and even when we make mistakes.

Self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is having a hard time—even if your friend blew it or is feeling inadequate, or is just facing a tough life challenge. The more complete definition involves three core elements that we bring to bear when we are in pain: self-kindness, common humanity (the recognition that everyone make mistakes and feels pain), and mindfulness.

For example, imagine that your best friend calls you after she just got dumped by her partner, and this is how the conversation goes.

“Hey,” you say, picking up the phone. “How are you?”

“Terrible,” she says, choking back tears. “You know that guy Michael I’ve been dating? Well, he’s the first man I’ve been really excited about since my divorce. Last night he told me that I was putting too much pressure on him and that he just wants to be friends. I’m devastated.”

You sigh and say, “Well, to be perfectly honest, it’s probably because you’re old, ugly, and boring, not to mention needy and dependent. And you’re at least 20 pounds overweight, your clothes don’t fit, and your hair is turning gray. I’d just give up now, because there’s really no hope of finding anyone who will ever love you. I mean, frankly, you don’t deserve it!”

Would you ever talk this way to someone you cared about? Of course not. But strangely, this is precisely the type of thing we say to ourselves in such situations—or worse. With self-compassion, we learn to speak to ourselves like a good friend. “I’m so sorry. Are you OK? You must be so upset. Remember I’m here for you and I deeply appreciate you. Is there anything I can do to help?”

When we mindfully observe our pain, we can acknowledge our suffering without exaggerating it, allowing us to take a wiser and more objective perspective on ourselves and our lives.

Can You Be Too Self-Compassionate?

Many people fear self-compassion is really just a form of self-pity. In fact, self-compassion is an antidote to self-pity. While self-pity says “poor me,” self-compassion recognizes that life is hard for everyone. Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to engage in perspective taking, rather than focusing on their own distress. They are also less likely to ruminate on how bad things are, which is one of the reasons self-compassionate people have better mental health.

The Physiology of Self-Criticism and Self-Compassion

When we criticize ourselves we’re tapping into the body’s threat-defense system (sometimes referred to as our reptilian brain). Among the many ways we can react to perceived danger, the threat-defense system is the quickest and most easily triggered. This means that self-criticism is often our first reaction when things go wrong.

Feeling threatened puts stress on the mind and body, and chronic stress can cause anxiety and depression, which is why habitual self-criticism is so bad for emotional and physical well-being. With self-criticism, we are both the attacker and the attacked.

Compassion, including self-compassion, is linked to the mammalian care system. That’s why being compassionate to ourselves when we feel inadequate makes us feel safe and cared for, like a child held in a warm embrace. Self-compassion helps to downregulate the threat response. When the stress response (fight–flight–freeze) is triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we are likely to turn on ourselves in an unholy trinity of reactions. We fight ourselves (self-criticism), we flee from others (isolation), or we freeze (rumination).

When we practice self-compassion, we are deactivating the threat-defense system and activating the care system. Oxytocin and endorphins are released, which helps reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.

Fear vs. Truth

Fear: Self-compassion will make us weak and vulnerable.

Truth: In fact, self-compassion is a reliable source of inner strength that confers courage and enhances resilience when we’re faced with difficulties. Research shows self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, trauma, or chronic pain.

Fear: Self-compassion is really the same as being self-indulgent.

Truth: It’s actually just the opposite. Compassion inclines us toward long-term health and well-being, not short-term pleasure (just as a compassionate mother doesn’t let her child eat all the ice cream she wants, but says, “eat your vegetables”). Research shows self-compassionate people engage in healthier behaviors like exercising, eating well, drinking less, and going to the doctor more regularly.

Fear: Self-compassion is really a form of making excuses for bad behavior.

Truth: Actually, self-compassion provides the safety needed to admit mistakes rather than needing to blame someone else for them. Research shows self-compassionate people take greater personal responsibility for their actions and are more likely to apologize if they’ve offended someone.

Fear: Self-criticism is an effective motivator.

Truth: It’s not. Our self-criticism tends to undermine self-confidence and leads to fear of failure. If we’re self-compassionate, we will still be motivated to reach our goals—not because we’re inadequate as we are, but because we care about ourselves and want to reach our full potential. Self-compassionate people have high personal standards; they just don’t beat themselves up when they fail.

Why Self-Compassion?

Over the last decade or so, research has consistently shown a positive correlation between self-compassion and psychological well-being. People who have self-compassion also have greater social connectedness, emotional intelligence, happiness, and overall life satisfaction. Self-compassion has also been shown to correlate with less anxiety, depression, shame, and fear of failure.

Ravi Shah, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center, believes self-compassion is critical for healthy self-esteem and resilience: “There is a lot of discussion today about narcissism and its problems, but we do want people to have some healthy narcissism.’’ This provides for a stable sense of self when things don't go well in life, whether it's a bad day, a loss in competition, or the loss of a job. If we lose our sense of self-worth during these challenges of life, we will have a hard time recovering.

People who lack self-compassion often exhibit a pattern of unhealthy relationships. As author Anis Qizilbash puts it, “How you treat yourself reflects how you let others treat you. If you're unkind to yourself, you create a standard for how much abuse you accept from others and as a result, end up attracting abusive and disrespectful relationships.”

Or, as Shah says, “If we hold ourselves to impossible standards, if we never give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, chances are we will have trouble doing so for others. And thinking about others' feelings and giving others breaks are key skills for developing solid relationships.”

When we have self-compassion, we are less likely to depend on others to validate our self-worth. Psychologist Carla Marie Manly believes self-compassion is a necessary ingredient for a healthy relationship: “If an individual is geared toward neglecting the self while doting on others, this uneven balance will eventually take its toll. When a person has true compassion for the self, that compassion then supports healthy, balanced relationships.”

Following are five ways to begin practicing self-compassion and stop being so hard on yourself:

1. Treat yourself as you would a small child

Manly suggests considering what a child might want or need in a hurtful situation. That child could be your own, or you could imagine yourself as a child. “Although many adults do not have compassion for themselves," she says, "they are often able to recognize that a child with a bee sting or hurt knee wants/needs to be hugged or held. Much progress can be made by giving the self the very compassion that one might give to a child.” You can also think of the way you would treat a good friend, or even a beloved pet, and then begin treating yourself accordingly.

2. Practice mindfulness

When we find ourselves caught in a barrage of self-criticism, it is often because we have gotten swept away in our negative storylines—usually ones that often play on repeat in our heads: “You always say such stupid things. You don’t know what you’re talking about. That’s why nobody likes you,” and so on. This process of over-identification, giving in to our internal critic, is usually accompanied by its counterpart, negative rumination. Mindfulness, or the state of non-judgmental awareness, is the antidote to both.

Psychotherapist and wellness coach Megan Bruneau suggests practicing simple awareness of thoughts and feelings, particularly the “critical inner voice”—without trying to change anything. She helps her clients understand how their critical inner voice has been helpful in the past. “What or who was it protecting you from? How did it motivate or comfort you? Once you find understanding and compassion for the critical voice, you can thank it for the good intentions.”

3. Remember that you’re not alone

Bruneau reminds clients that to feel is to be human, and that whatever they’re going through is also being experienced by millions of others. If we can recognize our shared humanity—that not one of us is perfect—we can begin to feel more connected to others, with a sense that we’re all in this together. "So many people believe they're ‘broken’ or ‘screwing up,'” says Bruneau, “when in actuality we're all fumbling our way through this script-less existence together.”

Daniel Bober, an assistant clinical professor at the Yale University School of Medicine, agrees: “Self-compassion is about being kind to ourselves and realizing that the human condition is imperfect and that our flaws and setbacks should connect us and not divide us."

4. Give yourself permission to be imperfect

Columnist and breakup coach Chelsea Leigh Trescott says that “self-compassion is about giving ourselves room to be human, to be flawed and sensitive, lazy and unproductive, without having to define ourselves by those flashes of feelings and ways of being. It’s about cultivating a perspective over ourselves so we never shut ourselves down and never lose faith in our own potential just because we may fly off the deep end one night or hole up in our apartment all weekend.”

Psychotherapist Kristen Martinez likes to use the “permission slip” metaphor, which is the idea of giving yourself permission to make a mistake—as a way of accepting however you are feeling, and acknowledging that other people feel or have felt this way before.

5. Work with a supportive therapist or coach

We know that our brains have the ability to learn self-compassion but cultivating new patterns of thought or behavior takes effort. “It's tough to learn self-compassion all on our own," Shah says. "Therapy provides a safe environment in which the therapist can help you: notice your thoughts and feelings; have a realistic perspective of yourself and others; and demonstrate empathy for you. In time, you will begin to internalize these skills and integrate them into your own life perspective.”

Finding a therapist with whom you feel safe and supported is key. There are many ways to find a good therapist, including online therapy directories or a referral from a trusted friend. Your therapist should help you see through the smoke and mirrors of negative beliefs to find your way back to the amazing person you’ve always been.

From: Psychology Today and Mindful.org

Homework

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend who is struggling, whether they've made a mistake, are feeling inadequate, or are going through a difficult time. A more complete definition of self-compassion involves three core elements that are gently applied when we are in pain: self-kindness (an attitude of gentle care for oneself), common humanity (the realization that everyone makes mistakes and feels pain), and mindfulness (paying attention to the present moment without judgment). Spend some time each day for the next three days practicing self-compassion. To help you get started, you can find a list of guided self-compassion practices ranging in duration from 5 to 20 minutes on leading self-compassion expert, Dr. Kristin Neff’s website.

Optional Creative Activity

Self-Compassion Mandala

Supplies Needed: Paper, round object to trace (like a plate), compass or ruler, coloured pencils, markers, pens, crayons, pastels, or paint.

Create a mandala that symbolizes self-compassion. Begin by drawing a circle and dividing it into sections. In each section, represent one of the three core elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Use colours, patterns, shapes, or symbols that resonate with each concept. For example, you might use warm colours to represent self-kindness, interlocking shapes for common humanity, and calming patterns to symbolize mindfulness. As you work, reflect on how each part connects to your own practice of self-compassion.